[F500] Oil Change for the Sexes

[O.S. Brannon]

I can relate to this more than you could imagine!!
>-- Original Message --
>Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2003 23:22:15 -0700
>To: (Recipient list suppressed)
>From: Dave Riddle <dave at microworks.net>
>Subject: [F500] Oil Change for the Sexes
>Reply-To: f500 at f500.org
>
>
>Oil Change instructions for Women:
>
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last
>
>oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained

>vehicle.
>
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $ 1.00
>Total: $21.00
>
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
>1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter,

>kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it
>
>properly, dump in hole in back yard.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process.
>12) Clean up mess.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
>16) Beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to 
>gasket surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
>
>with drain plug. (IDIOT!!)
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Christina Aguilera
>
>poster in the left boob.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer
>40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
>
>step 23.
>44) Run over jack stand, bursting tire.
>45) Beer.
>46) Cuss. Bang forehead (again) while getting out of the car.
>47) Jack up car, replace flat with bicycle-sized spare from trunk.
>4[] Beer.
>49) Test drive car.
>50) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
>51) Car gets impounded.
>52) Make bail.
>53) Get car from impound yard.
>
>Money spent:
>Parts $50.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>New Tire $75.00
>Beer $25.00
>Total-- $4225.00
>
>But at least you know the job was done right!!! :p
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O.S. Brannon
Manager, AAA Auto Club South
Heathrow Service Center
Phone (407)444-4360
Fax (407)444-4070